Hypothetical scenario: What will happen to the wheel resolutions in the event of the end of the world?
Jürgen Löhle
· 02.01.2026
Brägel ends the year with too few kilometres - and confused ideas. A scenario that depresses the mood and feels even worse for all those who have not achieved their annual cycling goal.
Almost all of them. Including Brägel, of course, who has set himself a real challenge with 7500 kilometres. A plank that he will of course not be able to drill this year either. But it's not new wisdom that Brägel's announcements or ideas on the subject of bikes fizzle out faster than a fart from Dertutnix. And as we now have enough time to ponder in closed rooms in the face of winter and the world will soon come to an end anyway (more on this later), we have the idea of reviewing Brägel's cycling year and seeing what has become of it.
His idea of contemplative cycling in spring failed quite harmlessly. At the time, Lapp explained that a very special power lies dormant in peace and quiet. We could only feel it if we went on our training laps without mobile phones and kept our mouths shut in the saddle from start to finish - like monks with a vow of silence. In the end, however, we didn't ride any faster in silence than with chatter. What's more, Brägel was on the verge of a stroke because he wasn't allowed to verbally insult a driver who overtook us too closely for his liking and let off steam. And we lost a new member who was unfamiliar with the area; the colleague stopped to pee but didn't say anything and - of course - didn't have a sat nav app with him.
A little later, Brägel's back was once again bothering him. He thought it was from all the cycling and wanted to tackle the problem with massages and exercises in the gym. The Thai massage with Mrs Hu-Wei is supposed to make the lame walk again. But after the hour-long treatment, Brägel was in even more pain; the petite lady had maltreated him with her hands, elbows and feet to such an extent that it was more like torture. Brägel says. He then got himself a spring special at the gym for three months, plus an indoor shirt in light grey and turquoise. It didn't help his back - nothing. Although he booked courses in which, as he says, he was "gonged" or exercised according to the teachings of the long-dead Roman governor "Pilatus". After complaining to the trainer, he was shunted off to a beginners' yoga group for men, which Brägel found boring. "Not a bit of competition there," he complains, "just bendy blokes, and my back still hurts."
So we failed again - but this time we were able to help. Old Hans did some research on the internet and found out that back pain is often a pain of the soul that can be cured with deep relaxation. So we organised a therapeutic evening in which we and Brägel relaxed as deeply as possible with a few bottles of red wine. The next morning, Brägel had a headache, but his back was better.
Every year again... The good intentions
Of course, Brägel also made a few good resolutions at the turn of the year and typed them into his Good Resolutions app. "Tidy up the cellar", it says, and: "Throw away bike stuff I no longer need". However, "bike stuff" that Brägel no longer needs has not yet been invented, and as the Lapp is more or less directly related to the primeval hunter-gatherer, not much has been collected so far. Of course, all eight of his bikes are still there. He has only parted with the saddle of an old Puky children's bike, various spare inner tubes covered in patches, a handful of old drinking bottles including all kinds of mould cultures, and two dry, brittle helmets in the fashionable colours of the late 90s with greasy linings.
But the cellar actually looks the same as ever afterwards. But that no longer matters. Brägel announced the end of the world for the end of March 2026 at the end of September 2025. He claims to have read this in some Mayan calendar. An unmistakable sign of this are apocalyptic cloud formations, crazy actions by the orange-haired man with the red tie from the USA and an encounter with a limping black cat on a Friday the 13th. All right then. It's news to us that the Mayans linked the revelation of the end of the world to limping cats and a specific date, but we'll let Brägel have his gloomy vision and instead focus on the question of how the end of the world will affect the rest of the cycling year and winter.
End of the world: What if it were so?
There's no question that the competition will be tougher. As the planet collapses at the end of March, we have to do more rides than usual to cover our annual kilometres - the winter break is cancelled. Riding slowly on the mountain is no longer an option. We also decide to stop doping of any kind - we won't experience any possible late effects. Old Hans asks about morale, but nobody listens. In order to be able to bear the inevitable with a certain composure, we order heavy red wine by the case at Brägel's expense, which is more suitable for coping wittily with the downfall than light-coloured yeast. After the second bottle, we find the apocalypse really chic. And if it's all going down the drain anyway, then it's going down with a vengeance.
The president wants to buy the super-expensive white cycling shoes tomorrow, which he has always refused to wear. "White is the colour of hope," he says. That's not true, but who wants green cycling shoes just because the world is coming to an end? A carbon racer weighing less than seven kilos appears in my mind's eye. After all, it would be nonsense to ride into the pit with more than one euro in your bank account. And if, contrary to expectations, the downfall doesn't happen, the bike isn't the worst investment if it's well looked after. So we'll all, Brägel included of course, end 2025 with a bike-buying frenzy and also in terms of Christmas. It could be the last one. And if not, we'll just keep going in 2026. Let's see what new ideas and even better resolutions Brägel comes up with.
